Its seems to never end....

After abuse, you become someone else that you never knew. There are pieces so shaken, they dont even seem to exist because you dont recognize it and you say to yourself, "I dont know that person. That is not me. I would never do something like that" So, you ignore the pain, anger, and pretend to have the "you" that you always knew. One day you embrace this side that you denied and really sink into reality of how much this affected you. You realize you need to move on and take your life back, so you fight and fight and try to get back to the person you were before. Healing and recovering you call it....to be who you use to be. But, you never get back there. You never do. So, you finally feel you are ready to step up and go back to where you were before. Back to work, back to opening up, back to the friends you hid from for months. But, you want to go back as the "you" you were before the abuse. And you try. And try. But then you notice that everything looks different to you. Everything, even though they never did change. They are still the same. You view them differently now. You dont know who to trust. So, a wall goes up and you reason with yourself that is for your safety to protect the "real you". Going back to work changes to. You guestion, is this what I should really be doing? Yea, it seems nice, but is that where I even belong anymore?" Something that you held so dear is no longer a sure thing with you. You dont feel like you belong where you were before. And there needs to be a major change.

Released without being notified.

The cop that abused me was released in early July and I was never notified at all. I just found out last night by looking up the inmate information on the county website. Shouldn't I have been notified? Do I even have protection so he can not contact me? Three months, is that enough time? He was a cop! He pleaded guilty! I dont get it. It does not make sense at all. Can he be a cop again? Just yesterday, I felt safe playing in my yard for the first time with my girls. Now, today, I am shaking knowing that he is out there somewhere. He could be passing my house and I dont even know. I am a little scared. I cant believe no one told me. I was informed of him appealing for house arrest and parole. I was informed that the appeal was cancelled. However, they dont tell me he was actually released!! Was it cancelled because he was released. They should have told me that!

Speaking up is liberating and can protect others..

It is a shame that people who were abused often keep their story within themselves. They suffer in silence. They cry alone. They fall apart inside and dont let anyone in. No one knows why they may have became quiet or why they are now hiding away from everyone. It is all really sad. But, for some it is scary to speak up, because you never know who is going to believe you. Because you are embarassed. Because you dont want to look dirty or disgusting. Because you are afraid people will look at you differently. There are so many reasons. I know, because I did hide. When I was a little girl, I hid the abuse of my step-father from my mother, to protect her from being hurt. I was so afraid that she would fall apart if she knew what he did to me. When the sad thing is, when I look back on the entire situation, she did fall apart anyway, because he was a horrible man in many other ways beside what he did to me. If I would have spoken up, perhaps she could have been saved from that man. But, then who knows. In all reality, the "what ifs" are not important. The past can not be changed. All we can do is create the present moment as we would like it to be and prepare ourselves for a better tomorrow.
Speaking up about our abuse, yes can be scary for many reasons. But, there is a liberating effect that happens when you finally tell someone know what has happened to you. Whether it is a therapist, a trusted friend, a family member, or a free hotline. Trust me, you will feel better. Just make sure it is with someone you can trust. I have had strangers approach me just to tell me their story that they never shared with anyone else. That little bit of sharing, lightened their face and their heart. I seen it them brightened right in front of me. Absolutely beautiful to see them relax anf feel a little more free.
When that police officer did what he did to me, I was absolutely terrified to speak up. In my mind, I had no other option, because he could have gone out there again and did it to someone else. And, unfortunately, an abuser does not only attack one victim. They go after more. So, by you speaking up, you will free yourself, and perhaps, protect others from experiencing what happened to you.
Remember, no matter what has happened to you, you are still a worthy person. You still have the right to be happy, to trust, to feel whole again, and to have healthy, secure relationships.

A year later

A year ago tonight, I was sexually assaulted by an officer in my home. I called 911 for assistance to remove an unwanted intoxicated visitor off my property. However, after this 6 foot, 3 inches tall officer removed this unwanted visitor, he entered my home and let’s just say, the rest of the night was very unpleasant. And a very tough year followed!
I completely fell apart for 3 to 4 months. I shut myself away from friends and from my practice, as I felt completely useless to help anyone in my condition. How the hell does something like this happen to me, at the age of 33, when my life was a place that I was happy with? Who the hell do I trust now, who the hell can I run to if I need help from now on? I already have no family if I were to fall or needed any help, now I could not even call the police if I needed help.
Thankfully, I had the courage, somewhere within me and with the push of a friend, to report what he had done, so that he would not do this to anyone else. I was scared as hell. I had no idea what would happen. After 7 hours of being interviewed by 5 different detectives and 4 hours of forensic testing at the hospital, they all believed me. The cop was arrested and thankfully pleaded guilty! He is still in jail.
Tonight is going to be a very tough night for me. I am so afraid to be in my home tonight alone. I rearranged my whole house so that the scenery is different. But, still thinking about how much I have changed and how had I am struggling to restart my practice.
I am going to a healing ritual tonight through the direction of a loved friend. Then, going out for some dancing to clear my head, but afterwards, when I return home alone, I hope I will not afraid, but I have a feeling I will. Wish me well, please. And send some healing energy.
I hate that sexual abuse is hushed. I feel if more people spoke up about it, less would happen. I feel if more people were open to learning more, less would happen. People could talk about their cancer, a foreign object that attacks your body. People could talk about being robbed or even attacked, but this is so hard for people to accept. I think that needs to change. Since being open about this experience and my other experiences from my childhood, 7 different people that I know personally, and 6 strangers have admitted their sexual abuses to me and are now healing. Being open helps. It really does.
Here are some facts.
• 1 in 4 girls is sexually abused before the age of 18.
• 1 in 6 boys is sexually abused before the age of 18.
• Nearly 70% of all reported sexual assaults (including assaults on adults) occur to children ages 17 and under.
• An estimated 39 million survivors of childhood sexual abuse exist in America today