Its seems to never end....

After abuse, you become someone else that you never knew. There are pieces so shaken, they dont even seem to exist because you dont recognize it and you say to yourself, "I dont know that person. That is not me. I would never do something like that" So, you ignore the pain, anger, and pretend to have the "you" that you always knew. One day you embrace this side that you denied and really sink into reality of how much this affected you. You realize you need to move on and take your life back, so you fight and fight and try to get back to the person you were before. Healing and recovering you call it....to be who you use to be. But, you never get back there. You never do. So, you finally feel you are ready to step up and go back to where you were before. Back to work, back to opening up, back to the friends you hid from for months. But, you want to go back as the "you" you were before the abuse. And you try. And try. But then you notice that everything looks different to you. Everything, even though they never did change. They are still the same. You view them differently now. You dont know who to trust. So, a wall goes up and you reason with yourself that is for your safety to protect the "real you". Going back to work changes to. You guestion, is this what I should really be doing? Yea, it seems nice, but is that where I even belong anymore?" Something that you held so dear is no longer a sure thing with you. You dont feel like you belong where you were before. And there needs to be a major change.

Released without being notified.

The cop that abused me was released in early July and I was never notified at all. I just found out last night by looking up the inmate information on the county website. Shouldn't I have been notified? Do I even have protection so he can not contact me? Three months, is that enough time? He was a cop! He pleaded guilty! I dont get it. It does not make sense at all. Can he be a cop again? Just yesterday, I felt safe playing in my yard for the first time with my girls. Now, today, I am shaking knowing that he is out there somewhere. He could be passing my house and I dont even know. I am a little scared. I cant believe no one told me. I was informed of him appealing for house arrest and parole. I was informed that the appeal was cancelled. However, they dont tell me he was actually released!! Was it cancelled because he was released. They should have told me that!